Screenplay by Paul W. S. Anderson
Screen Story by Paul W. S. Anderson and Dan O’Bannon & Ronald Shusett
Directed by Paul W. S. Anderson
“I think this is a manhood ritual. The humaniod ones, they’ve been sent here to prove that they’re worthy to become adults.”
“You’re saying, they’re…what? Teenagers?”
A morbid curiosity drove me to see AVP yesterday. And now, I write a warning and a lament.
The warning is best termed as 5 reasons why NOT to see this movie:
1—The brain can only handle so much bad acting in a single movie. It’s so bad, I won’t even bother looking up the names of the actors…they need the luxury of being nobodies in order to escape the shadow this movie will cast on their so-so careers. To be generous, they are given some of the most cliched lines in history, and this wretched script operates on this level throughout the entire movie. Dan O’Bannon is listed as a story contributor…he was part of the writing team behind the original two Alien movies…but why would he contribute to such an atrocity as this? The Aliens and the Predators are by far the best actors in the entire film…AND THEY’RE NOT EVEN REAL!
2—The movie is only 90 minutes long, and it still manages a pedestrian pace and moments of dull padding. Ridley Scott’s Alien and James Cameron’s Aliens managed to make dark corridors so creepy and horrific that bladder control became a problem. While watching this commerical-pretending-to-be-a-movie, I took a few bathroom breaks…and missed NOTHING upon my return.
3—None of the links to the future Alien movies, with the Weyland corporation and Bishop, are in any way played up. They just lie there, hoping to be picked up by rabid fans. Unfortunately, the rabid fans were dulled into a deep sleep by this movie, so if they did notice the links, I am impressed. There’s even a moment when Lance Henriksen, the actor who played Bishop the android in Aliens, idly performs his fast-hand act from that movie on his desk…but it’s cut so fast, and shown without detail in a wide shot, that it begs the question “what was the point?” The entire movie begs the question “what was the point?!?!?”
4—Abandoned whaling station of THAT SIZE IN 1904? In the MOST REMOTE PART OF THE WORLD??? Amundsen and Scott didn’t even reach the South Pole until 1911! Would it have hurt to open a history book?
5—This movie succeeded in doing what I thought was impossible: making the Alien creatures BORING! Nothing about them was frightening in the least, and the less said about the Predators, the better!
So…why this lament? Somewhere, buried in this quagmire, is the kernel of a good movie. A movie about a Predator and sole surviving human learning from each other. A movie that could re-establish the bowel-cleansing terror of the Alien creatures as something that even Predators now fear. A movie that could lead to disturbing, gripping scenes where violence and carnage could be both artistic and relevant to the film, not simply splashed across the screen because someone received CGI software for Christmas and decided to share his fanwank imagination with the rest of the world!
Mind you, this movie WILL be fun to watch on DVD, as long as you’re with a group of friends, bring a bottle of wine (or two), and a load up a heavy supply of sarcasm and wit. 
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