Wednesday was not a good news day…
In fact, it was a terrible news day…and suddenly, the road ahead plunges into a dark & gloomy tunnel.
I want time to stand still — immediately — for everything to remain perfectly clear and still, like a photograph laminated a thousand times over…
Nebulous is a word that comes to mind…a word that can apply to my emotional state, and the physical state of certain members of my family.
I’m forced to contemplate future situations I have no desire to imagine…and the nasty catch-22 is that the more I try not to think about it, the more I think of nothing else.
I stare at this blog entry, and all I want to do is hit DELETE and write something — anything — else…my simmering review of The Sarah Jane Adventures…a review of one of my summer books…a pithy comment about the upcoming provincial election…
But all I can write is THIS — the little voice in my head demanding to pound out a small screed of sadness, if only to vent and get it out of the way. My mind demands this release, though my heart is repulsed by its necessity.
Hmm…re-check…let’s replace nebulous with weary. Bone weary, soul weary, intellectually weary. I will try to sleep tonight, get up tomorrow, and watch as someone I love begins an experience I wouldn’t wish upon anyone…and one for which I’d gladly sell my soul in order to make it stop. But reality doesn’t work that way…reality is about suffering and pain, mixed in with joy and triumph. I only wish the heartache of the journey was somewhat less…savage.
I remember when I first watched the Doctor Who story Logopolis. The moment that sticks in my memory is when the Doctor contemplates the empty room of a departed companion. He thinks silently to himself, sighs, closes the door, and walks away, saying “the future lies this way”. I’m afraid, I’m worried, and I’m steeling myself…but I will face this imperfect future, come what may.
