Written by Drew Goddard
Directed by Matt Reeves
“My name is Robert Hawkins. Approximately seven hours ago some THING attacked the city. If you found this, if you’re watching this then you probably know more about it than I do.”
What a waste of money. What a waste of time. What a waste of brain cells. How could I have ever wanted to see this film?
Cloverfield is guilty of two horrendous crimes:
(1) It is, without a doubt, the dullest, most pedantic monster movie I have ever seen. I can appreciate (on an intellectual level) the desire to do something different, and create a monster movie from the video-cam p.o.v. of a group of terrified survivors…
…BUT, in no way can I possibly forgive this film for its mind-numbing BOREDOM!
I cared for none of the main characters – not a single one of them. They were all generic, MTV-style, pretty-faced caricatures going through all the bog-standard cliches of young people on the run. I can’t even remember ANY of the character’s names! It was an episode of The Hills, in grungier surroundings.
I wasn’t impressed with the monster. THIS was the big secret? The un-revealed, hidden creature, not seen in the posters or the trailer? It was just the usual CGI, multi-legged creation you’ll find in any standard sci-fi adventure show. Stargate-SG1 would have come up with a more terrifying creature. Doctor Who and Torchwood certainly would have come up with a more terrifying creature. There was no epic feel to any of the glimpses of carnage and destruction…nothing to make the monster feel iconic and astonishing. This movie wants desperately to be America’s answer to Godzilla…but it’s missing Godzilla rather badly.
The unoriginality goes even deeper. Did they believe that no one would recall the chest-busting Alien, which they so thoroughly rip off? This isn’t a homage…this is xerox overdrive! It comes from writer Drew Goddard, who has written numerous excellent episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel. Compared to those mini-masterpieces, this is purile, beige wallpaper.
I would have fallen asleep, halfway through the film, if not for its second, horrific crime…
(2) MOTION SICKNESS!
I had to leave the bloody theatre because I was motion sick! The unending shaky-cam drove me into the arms of sea-sickness, and I had to flee the cinema a number of times, and seek refuge on the couches in the lobby!
Then, to my amusement and astonishment, I was followed by half a dozen other people, also looking for shelter from the roller-coaster insanity of the cinematography.
The Blair Witch Project was like a quiet stroll through the forest compared to the Gravol-required nightmare of this film.
So…a movie that puts me to sleep AND makes me physically ill? Pretty much sums up its level of crap-tasticness.
1
Mind you, the Star Trek teaser trailer, shown before the movie, was rather impressive. 
