Dopplegangland

So much for teaching the Charleston.

Nature bitch-slapped me back to my childhood on Thursday morning. Always nice to find yourself in the condition where your mother has to visit you and check to see if you’re alive or not — from age 35 to age 9 in a matter of seconds.

So much for the last two days. Not exactly the way I expected to start March Break…but I’ll have to make the best of it.

Now go away and let me sleep for a bit.

(1) I must be the only one not interested in seeing Alice in Wonderland. Not remotely interested.

Why? Haven’t you heard…Clash of the Titans is coming soon to a theatre near you! Why plunge into the depths of Tim Burton-land when I can look forward to re-living some classic childhood cheesiness.

At least…I certainly HOPE it has just enough of the old cheesiness. If it doesn’t have a stop-motion metal owl, and if Liam Neeson doesn’t channel his slumming-for-the money-like-Brando-in-Superman predecessor (the dear departed Laurence Olivier) then I’m going to demand my money back…

(2) Apparently Christian missionaries from the United States have had a hand in firing up Ugandans into supporting an “execute those demonic gays and lesbians” law. I watched the disgusting spectacle tonight on ABC News, and all I could think of was: “Don’t they have enough of a right-wing, whackjob audience in the States to keep them satisfied?”

Apparently not. Perhaps the KKK is contracting out extra work.

Meanwhile, in case anyone feels like a smug & morally superior Canadian, universities across this country have held — or will be holding — a mind-numbingly ridiculous & offensive “Israeli Apartheid Week”.

There are times when I believe that rationalism has taken a permanent holiday from reality. I’d try to apply logic to both of the above situations…but I try not to fight losing battles.

(3) It was reported today that Bill Gates is now the 2nd richest man on the planet. His role as mega-rich-demi-god has been surpassed by Mexican tycoon Carlo Slim Helu.

I’d pause to weep at this titanic shift…but instead, I’ll save my tears for Canada’s Thompson family. They only managed to reach #24 on the list, with $27 billion less than Mr. Microsoft.

(Pause for choked-back sob)

Poor Canada. We never own the podium when it comes to being part of the world’s hoi poloi.

(4) Tomorrow, I’m going to try and teach my Canadian History class how to dance the Charleston!

Hmm…yes…rationality may indeed have taken a hike when I wasn’t looking.

…the Academy itself…for being forgetful, wretched knobs!

Bad enough that the show was stilted, stiff as a plank, lacking glitz & spark, and so rushed at the end that Tom Hanks had to deliver the best picture verdict in the most perfunctory fashion…

Bad enough that the Academy montage for all those that died was presented in an uncomfortable split-screen fashion that went by far too quickly, and without any of the majesty of previous “in memorium” moments…

…but the worst crime was forgetting Farrah Fawcett! Ms. Fawcett, icon of 70s Hollywood, passed away on the same day as Michael (we didn’t forget him, did we) Jackson…but was NOT included in the annual “goodbye” montage.

WHY?

Everyone from Jane Fonda to Roger Ebert to Perez Hilton noticed it…tweeted it…condemned it. Why did it happen?

Some may use the excuse that Farrah was primarily a TV star, but that’s splitting VERY weak hairs…no doubt the same ones that allowed the inclusion of Michael Jackson, whose only role of note seems to be as the Scarecrow from that god-awful movie version of The Wiz!

In any event, Farrah had more than enough memorable movie moments of her own, including the iconic late 1970s films Logan’s Run & The Cannonball Run.

The Academy’s response? “We can’t include everyone.”

In the words of Roger Ebert: “MAJOR FAIL!”

Thanks a lot, Tinsletown Jerks! As icing on this pathetic cake, let’s hope this year’s ratings herald your extinction as a TV event…

Oh, and by the way…WHERE WAS BEA ARTHUR?!?

UPDATE @ 7:15pm

Hmm…the Academy seems to have screwed up three times: they appear to have forgotten the magnificent RICARDO MONTALBAN. That’s right…KHAN himself! Review his MASSIVE movie career using THIS link.

It took me a while, but I finally managed to turn my attention to the Torchwood novels. I was rather curious about their content, considering the darker, more violent, more adult nature of this corner of the Doctor Who universe. It could translate into fantastic prose in the right hands…but would it be there in the books I chose to read?

I shouldn’t have worried. My first three dips into the Torchwood literary universe were suitably rewarding, and I discovered a new star in the process…

THE HOUSE THAT JACK BUILT

Written by Guy Adams

The plot and the setting are standard issue Torchwood. A creepy, haunted house with *temporal/extraterrestrial *issues. A painful secret from Jack’s mysterious and slightly sordid past, coming back to bite him in the rear end. Gwen doing her best to sort out the situation, and Ianto doing his best to keep everyone well fed, well watered, well dressed, and well supplied.

In some sense, it’s playing everything very safe - the prime example of what could be the result of a “random Torchwood story generator”. That said, it adds it own tweaks to the standard Torchwood clichés, and manages to rise above the muck to be, by turns, poignant, frightening, shocking, and hilarious…sometimes all at once. If you can sum up a typical Torchwood situation of this kind, look no further than the scene where Ianto is knocked over by an invisible tram car…and ends up wet and frozen in a closet!

It’s a tight little package of Torchwood goodness. The prose flows like a cool stream: the author has each of the characters’ voices down to a reasonably successful degree, the action is fast, the pace is quick, and the story concludes very efficiently. It’s not something that completely knocked my socks off, but it’s the perfect introductory novel for a Torchwood neophyte, and it never outstays its welcome. Frankly, I was surprised by just how much I ended up enjoying the story. In short: a good first choice for a novel from the series.

7

ALMOST PERFECT

Written by James Goss

One of the most outrageous books I’ve read in recent memory. If Almost Perfect proves one thing, it’s that James Goss is a man who DESERVES to write for the television incarnation of Torchwood. Immediately!

Almost Perfect is, in every sense, completely perfect. Goss has captured the characters’ voices, behavious, and mannerisms in a way I didn’t imagine was possible. Jack’s recklessness and bacchanalial instincts, the completely splendid and beautiful marital relationship of Gwen & Rhys, and the courageous yet insecure Ianto, who is completely tossed into the deep end…leaving his friends trying to come to terms with a transformation that boggles the mind. In every conceivable way, Goss makes the Torchwood team leap off the page with a dynamism worthy of the best performances in the best episodes of the series.

Not content to master the characters, Goss also manages to concoct a story that plays games with every conceivable aspect of the Torchwood playground. Where else will you find people turning into dust after a first date? Where else do powerful, reality-warping aliens retire, content to make life better for the gay community of Cardiff? Where else does a moving wall of bodies trap people…and result in ironic, sarcastic arguments about how the hell to escape? Where else does a shopping trip with a gender-transformed Ianto turn into a comedy of errors? Most magnificent of all: the speed-dating class attended by Rhys & Gwen, which is so full of genuine, authentic couples humour & slapstick hilarity that it should be marked down as one of the best passage from ANY book set in the Doctor Who literary universe.

If there is one Torchwood book you must read…if there is only one Torchwood book you will EVER read…it is Almost Perfect. Its title is the understatement of the year.

10

RISK ASSESSMENT

Written by James Goss

Ironically, it’s not as risk-embracing as Almost Perfect, but it sucessfully takes a different path to the previous novel. It takes Goss’ masterful command of the Torchwood cast, and applies it to the past: Torchwood’s murky, fascinating, mysterious history.

With the introduction of the mysterious risk assessor Agnes Havisham, flashback sequences become a fascinating digression from the main plot of the story. We are privy to the thoughts of a dying Queen Victoria, the terrors suffered by Jack & Company’s predecessors, and the buried emotions that result from giving up one’s life to a greater cause. It’s very poignant watching Gwen trying to comprehend the loneliness inherent in Agnes’ position as the last bastion of a Victorian, imperial Torchwood…to say nothing of watching Jack completely transform in her presence. Gone is the jaunty self-confidence and lewdness. In its place comes a quiet, nervous trepidation…and it manages to throw everyone (including the reader) for a loop.

It’s the central mystery of the novel that sits uncomfortably side-by-side with the story of Ms. Havesham and the trips down memory lane. They are both well written and both absorbing, hilarious, and action packed…but they seem to have been bolted together from completely different novels. Now, I’ll be the first to say that they’ve been fused with exceptional skill…but as I read about Jack & Agnes fighting an alien, zombie-like menace, it feels like a distraction from the more fascinating exploration of Torchwood’s melancholy & violent past. I’m also left with a head-scratcher ending that continues to puzzle me. What is Goss trying to imply?

The final verdict? Masterfully written & full of characters that leap off the page…but not quite the gorgeous jewel that was Almost Perfect. Let’s consider it a messy triumph and leave it at that.

8

Bloody hell…where did the time go? It was just Sunday…wasn’t it?

Anyhow, in the midst of marking, paperwork, reading, and various other sundry committments, here are a few observations from the last few days…

(1) REALLY? THIS IS AN ISSUE?

Since when did a gender-neutral re-write of “Oh Canada” become a priority concern for the government? Since when did this issue become a concern for ANYONE…ANYWHERE?

Did I miss the sudden rise of the popular movement to reduce the national anthem to lowest-common-denominator language? Did we learn nothing from the vandalism done to the Bible, with its innumerable, nasty, repulsive “modern” translations? Is it all part of a grand plot to make King James turn in his grave?

Is this really so pressing an issue that it needs to be included in a THRONE SPEECH? Was there an empty space to fill in the “can’t fulfill our promise to militarize the arctic with dog-sleds and weather balloons” portion of the document?

Oh…wait a minute…I know what the issue is: it’s the “we’re massively in debt and we need to distract the sheep-like voters of Canada” issue! Why didn’t I clue in earlier…SHAME on me!

Perhaps Greece should consider using this strategy to distract its own population from the imminent & apocalyptic implosion of its economy…

(2) JASON KENNEY SEES GAY PEOPLE

Actually, he doesn’t seem them. At all. Ever. Full stop. Period.

No…they weren’t rendered invisible as part of a dastardley cloaking experiment devised by Romulans or Daleks.

According to government sources, any reference to gays and lesbians was carefully removed from the new citizenship guide prior to publication, on the orders of our repulsive, reptilian immigration minister. Apparently, we don’t want to scare anyone (for anyone, read “potential Conservative Party voters”) away from Canada…especially Mr. Kenney’s fellow bigots-in-arms.

Word of warning to Mr. Kenney (to be stated-from-on-high, in a Vincent Price-inspired death rattle): I’m told that Canada might also contain Jews & Gypsies. Get out that powerful red edit pen and deal with them…BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE! BWAHAHAHA!!!

(3) THE 11th DOCTOR’S CANADIAN PREMIERE

Meanwhile, back in the Aristotelian real world…

SPACE announced that they will begin broadcasting the new season of Doctor Who — starring Matt Smith — on Saturday April 17th, at 9pm.

Perhaps the new Doctor’s first foe will be the cunning mastermind know as…Jason Kenney!

No? Good…I was worried.

In related good news, the BBC announced that The Sarah Jane Adventures has been re-commissioned for a fourth AND fifth series…24 episodes in total! My geek gene has been thoroughly satisfied for another week.